I’ve had days like this before. A lot. Those days in which you like see all your family fucken wasted and you can’t get out, can’t leave the house. I feel like if my feet had fucken blisters or something, that I can’t make one step and leave because I’m already suffering, but inside it hurts even more. There are days when I feel I’ve got it tougher than everyone, that I won’t ever achieve anything. And sometimes I think that the reason I can’t picture an older adult version of myself is because I won’t get there. I won’t last long enough. And I sometimes picture my life as I would like it to be, but it dissolves in a blur in no time. And I can’t rethink of it because it’s hard and it’s gone. A lot of my ideas suffer from that shit. It’s like I try to calm myself down by saying, you don’t have anyone who depends on you, no one who you have to make happy or care for them because They all have hurted me and who gives a fuck if I did too you know, it would be just payback. And then the issue comes through my tears: my friends aren’t real and people talk because they have a mouth. If I went all day with a smile on my face but not listening to anyone, people would still be happy around me. What calms me down is the fact that anything could change right now. My grades could get a little lower, I could get a little skinnier, thing would just be perfect, and my mom would stop messing around with everyone and stop being so gooey with me. All that stuff I think and rethink. I picture myself escaping from everyone. Where would I go? I wouldn’t have a clue. Where would I sleep? At a park? What would be my future? Waitressing? I don’t know but everything happens for a reason and I’ll stick to that thought. Today I pictured what my perfect 2012 would be. It goes a Little like this but the blur is getting bigger as time passes. “It all started at 2011, I started by getting tired of everything. So I made myself a routine so things would get monotonous around my house but I’d be able to think of what could I do to avoid monotonous in other areas of my life. So I made a Schedule. I got to school, bin my lunch so I could become thinner, then pass school however I could, get home, go to the club to watch T.V and then get home and do my homework and take a shower and sleep. Maybe take the shower in the morning would be an option too. Then I’d repeat the Process every day. Schooldays I wouldn’t get in facebook so when I did at Saturdays it would be full of notifications and then I went to the circus to practice and then get home and watch T.V or call a friend. Sundays were family days. That lasted around 8 weeks when all the important stuff was cleanness and perfume and pink. Then I began thinking: If I’ve substituted eating by being more social then I’ll sacrifice school for something. I did it for Reading. So the 3 hours I spent every day doing homework got reduced to an hour, half hour, in the morning and so, I passed school with the minimum grade. But I read. I read a lot, loved Reading and focused my spare time on it. I was based in the thought of “stop looking for something and it will come to you” so I began isolating myself and people worried for me and cared about me and that’s how I got some new friends. Then everything went fine and my grades got even lower so I had something to talk to with my friends like “Got an F in Bio, dude!” and I was glad. Then summer school came along, I passed my subjects but still made some new friends so basically EVERYTHING leaded to something good. If I had too much homework I’d stay in school and focus on it and then wander around the facilities. It would be my heaven. And I lived like that in the fucken greatest “happily ever after” that exists-“
That was my story, when I thought of it at 11 o’ clock it was better, so much better, and so much more calming, but who cares, it’s the same idea “worrying less makes life something a lot easier”, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”, “stop looking for it and it will come to you” and “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. And that’s enough philosophy for me today.
Oh Alice, so pure, simple and magical <3
