Another day of failure

Hi. It's 11 thirty at night and I just had a binging session. Well actually I've been having a lot of those. I've gained 10 pounds and Iv'e got to get rid of them before January because new year was my goal For 100 pounds. right now I'm 110 so yeah. I'm gonna try harde these 2 months I've got left but I know that in the end I've only got one mor month of "bin lunch time" because school ends up and then I won't know what to do. I'll shit up my relationship with my mom and escape home everyday I guess. I'll "soak myself in oil" (that's what my mom says for "i won't give a shit about what people think") and I'll lie to everyone. I need to focus on myself right now. Everything else, including school, can fuck itself. I'll still do my homework and everything but I won't skip a day of gym to get it done, and I won't get stressed out because that makes me binge. Monday I'll start my carbs only diet. In one week you lose 6 pounds and it's about eating fruit for brakfast and dinner and just noodles without meat or any protein in lunch. If I bin 5 lunches out of 7 (of the week) I'll feel accomplished...then I'll plan the other week, let's just go one step at a time. But I'm glad I at least got this coming week figured out because that makes me calmer. And now let's keep up with thinspiration. I'm watching Kate's Secret. God great role model that girl, really disciplined. Get ahold of yourself girl!

Relief

Just posted my food board for skinnovember. It makes me feel hope and a warm feeling inside that I've got everything planned. Tomorrow I'll be flying...so scared of what waits for me with my relatives, mountains of food haha. Well, at least I'm calmer now that I've got my board with the calories of each meal in parenthesis, makes me sigh in relief. :) Now I can go peacefully haha.

I so wanna be like them! They exhale magic and an aura of mystery, as if they were fairies that live in oak trees inside of the english woods <3

Skinnovember board

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of cereal without milk (100)	1 cup of strawberries (35)
1 cup of strawberries (35)	1 cup of papaya (35)	1 cup of cherimoya (72)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cherimoya (72)	1 cup of gelatin (40)	1 cup of papaya (35)
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of papaya (35)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of strawberries (35)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of pineapple (53)
1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of strawberries (35)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of papaya (35)	1 cup of cherimoya (72)	1 cup of melon (25)
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)
1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)
1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)

All about the numbers

So I decided numbers are the most simple way to express yourself because they're exact and perfect in measurment, a lot better than words...maybe I'll choose a job that involves them when I do. Here it goes, all the numbers I can come up with. 14, 173, 63, 62, 52, 56, 51, 47. There you go, my age, my height in cm, the weight I started with, the weight my school's medical report shows of me at the beginning of the year, the weight I first achieved, the weight I tell my mom I am on, the weight I'm currently on, the weight I want to achieve during Skinnovember. All in order. Numbers get me so inspired, so does this picture :)

Drowning

It's so hard and I can't handle the pressure...
You see I've got to stay strong, don't eat the chocolate and everything but my mom just arrived with a lot of food like ham and cheese and little pieces of bread from the bakery we love and I said no to her face and saw her smile turn into a frown. I'm so upset with myself, I still had to eat but I managed to just eat a 111 cal yogurt. I'm sort of happy. They'll make me eat lunch because since I'm not in school I can't bin it. I hope I get through the day without binging on my chocolate and the bread my mom bought but god it is so hard to stay strong. I feel things would be so easy if I didn't think this much. Just follow a 0% stress pattern in all my choices. Be like, just eat my 3 meals a day and try to skip them if I can, but I get all dizzy and binge. It's curious because while I'm binging I'm like having a war inside my head...I hear voices yelling FAT, PIG, GROSS, WEAK and at the same time I know that I'm eating and it is bad but I CAN'T stop. Idk what's going on with me but blogging makes me calm down. The cravings I had a minute earlier are sort of vanishing and I'm in a peaceful mood right now. I'll just eat my lunch slowly when they tell me to, skip dinner in a way and tomorrow will be a brand new day. I'll go to visit my grandma and all will be fine. Just remember to eat little. In my trip I'll try to follow Sussana's steps and try to eat less and enjoy the trip. I'll come back and with a 0 % stress range I'll follow my week diet consisting in just having Special K cereal, or maybe less cals...who knows. But I have to plan it right. Then of course I'll go to the gym religiously. And I'll go with my dad and his girlfriend's family on vacation to the beach and try to survive my  body....Then Skinnovember will come and again with 0 % stress I'll follow my diet (1st week fruit, 2nd week personalized, 3rd week Special K, 4th week fruit) and everything will be fine. And who knows, maybe in Xmass I'll open the chocolate bar...just one piece.

P.S : isn't she just perfect? I LOVE her hair. 

Optimism

After my huge Saturday to Wednesday binging I found I actually can stop. Thursday I had a terrible headache because of the sun and all at my f*n school sports day...so I just ate a cup of jello and a cone of ice cream. Then on Friday I'm so proud to say I just ate a bowl of fruit (82 cals more or less). I feel optimistic and smiley today, perhaps because my mom isn't home...but she'll get here anyway and force me to eat breakfast...I hope I can stay strong and eat the thing with less cals. God I'm so scared about my trip to the U.S. Yesterday we went to visit my aunt, the one I'm going with and she told me we could stop at the airport to have mc donalds for breakfast, I was panic-striked. Oh god what will I do? I can't lie to people I'm not used to see...I'm terrified. Well, I guess I have to keep my hopes up at Skinnovember cause it'll rule! My dad bought me a huge bar of chocolate...but it doesn't get rotten until June from 2012 so I've got Skinnovember free...I can feel the bar screaming EAT me but then a huge voice inside yells, BIKINI. haha so I'm fucked up, right? Yesterday my cousin Sussana won an award at her university...I'm so jealous, she's been ana when she was a child and ended school with medals and awards and everything. I'm just nothing compared to that. My real thinspirations (people I know) are Sussana (for discipline) and my aunt Angie (she's so crazy and doesn't eat anything, she's obsessed with being clean so she always smells soapy and one certain thing about her is that she's just pure magic)

Another day of calorie counting fail

Today I had a shitty day. It was the f*n olympics in my school and I so hated it. I ended up coming home with a headache produced because dehydration and a sunburnt face. Also, they talked me into having an ice cream so a perfect 40 cal jello became a 40 cal jello + an X cal ice cream. I fucked up the numbers so now I'm so not in the mood. Plus my head still feels like a blender. Ugh! I'll just try to post what would be my food today. But I really think this tip is working because I thought all day of not buying any other thingy because I would have to write it down, plus I "binned" my lunch. (I put it in a plastic bag but couldn't get rid of it so it's still in my backpack and no one knows) God I feel like in a movie! Hope no one finds out. Ok, so my food:
- Jello
- Ice cream
- Hope nothing but since I'm sick I'm sure my mom will put pressure me towards a soup. Hope not. but my cal intake for the day wouldn't be more than 800....they say that's O.K right? but boy....Skinnovember better get ready!

P.s : I so found one phobia I relate to, besides spiders and dark and bugs and practically everything...