Relief

Just posted my food board for skinnovember. It makes me feel hope and a warm feeling inside that I've got everything planned. Tomorrow I'll be flying...so scared of what waits for me with my relatives, mountains of food haha. Well, at least I'm calmer now that I've got my board with the calories of each meal in parenthesis, makes me sigh in relief. :) Now I can go peacefully haha.

I so wanna be like them! They exhale magic and an aura of mystery, as if they were fairies that live in oak trees inside of the english woods <3

Skinnovember board

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of cereal without milk (100)	1 cup of strawberries (35)
1 cup of strawberries (35)	1 cup of papaya (35)	1 cup of cherimoya (72)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cherimoya (72)	1 cup of gelatin (40)	1 cup of papaya (35)
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of papaya (35)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of strawberries (35)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of pineapple (53)
1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of strawberries (35)	1 cup of pineapple (53)	1 cup of melon (25)	1 cup of papaya (35)	1 cup of cherimoya (72)	1 cup of melon (25)
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)
1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1 cup of cereal with milk (140)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)
1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)	1 Batimix (111)	1 cup of cereal with no milk (100)	1 cup of gelatin  (40)

All about the numbers

So I decided numbers are the most simple way to express yourself because they're exact and perfect in measurment, a lot better than words...maybe I'll choose a job that involves them when I do. Here it goes, all the numbers I can come up with. 14, 173, 63, 62, 52, 56, 51, 47. There you go, my age, my height in cm, the weight I started with, the weight my school's medical report shows of me at the beginning of the year, the weight I first achieved, the weight I tell my mom I am on, the weight I'm currently on, the weight I want to achieve during Skinnovember. All in order. Numbers get me so inspired, so does this picture :)

Drowning

It's so hard and I can't handle the pressure...
You see I've got to stay strong, don't eat the chocolate and everything but my mom just arrived with a lot of food like ham and cheese and little pieces of bread from the bakery we love and I said no to her face and saw her smile turn into a frown. I'm so upset with myself, I still had to eat but I managed to just eat a 111 cal yogurt. I'm sort of happy. They'll make me eat lunch because since I'm not in school I can't bin it. I hope I get through the day without binging on my chocolate and the bread my mom bought but god it is so hard to stay strong. I feel things would be so easy if I didn't think this much. Just follow a 0% stress pattern in all my choices. Be like, just eat my 3 meals a day and try to skip them if I can, but I get all dizzy and binge. It's curious because while I'm binging I'm like having a war inside my head...I hear voices yelling FAT, PIG, GROSS, WEAK and at the same time I know that I'm eating and it is bad but I CAN'T stop. Idk what's going on with me but blogging makes me calm down. The cravings I had a minute earlier are sort of vanishing and I'm in a peaceful mood right now. I'll just eat my lunch slowly when they tell me to, skip dinner in a way and tomorrow will be a brand new day. I'll go to visit my grandma and all will be fine. Just remember to eat little. In my trip I'll try to follow Sussana's steps and try to eat less and enjoy the trip. I'll come back and with a 0 % stress range I'll follow my week diet consisting in just having Special K cereal, or maybe less cals...who knows. But I have to plan it right. Then of course I'll go to the gym religiously. And I'll go with my dad and his girlfriend's family on vacation to the beach and try to survive my  body....Then Skinnovember will come and again with 0 % stress I'll follow my diet (1st week fruit, 2nd week personalized, 3rd week Special K, 4th week fruit) and everything will be fine. And who knows, maybe in Xmass I'll open the chocolate bar...just one piece.

P.S : isn't she just perfect? I LOVE her hair. 

Optimism

After my huge Saturday to Wednesday binging I found I actually can stop. Thursday I had a terrible headache because of the sun and all at my f*n school sports day...so I just ate a cup of jello and a cone of ice cream. Then on Friday I'm so proud to say I just ate a bowl of fruit (82 cals more or less). I feel optimistic and smiley today, perhaps because my mom isn't home...but she'll get here anyway and force me to eat breakfast...I hope I can stay strong and eat the thing with less cals. God I'm so scared about my trip to the U.S. Yesterday we went to visit my aunt, the one I'm going with and she told me we could stop at the airport to have mc donalds for breakfast, I was panic-striked. Oh god what will I do? I can't lie to people I'm not used to see...I'm terrified. Well, I guess I have to keep my hopes up at Skinnovember cause it'll rule! My dad bought me a huge bar of chocolate...but it doesn't get rotten until June from 2012 so I've got Skinnovember free...I can feel the bar screaming EAT me but then a huge voice inside yells, BIKINI. haha so I'm fucked up, right? Yesterday my cousin Sussana won an award at her university...I'm so jealous, she's been ana when she was a child and ended school with medals and awards and everything. I'm just nothing compared to that. My real thinspirations (people I know) are Sussana (for discipline) and my aunt Angie (she's so crazy and doesn't eat anything, she's obsessed with being clean so she always smells soapy and one certain thing about her is that she's just pure magic)

Another day of calorie counting fail

Today I had a shitty day. It was the f*n olympics in my school and I so hated it. I ended up coming home with a headache produced because dehydration and a sunburnt face. Also, they talked me into having an ice cream so a perfect 40 cal jello became a 40 cal jello + an X cal ice cream. I fucked up the numbers so now I'm so not in the mood. Plus my head still feels like a blender. Ugh! I'll just try to post what would be my food today. But I really think this tip is working because I thought all day of not buying any other thingy because I would have to write it down, plus I "binned" my lunch. (I put it in a plastic bag but couldn't get rid of it so it's still in my backpack and no one knows) God I feel like in a movie! Hope no one finds out. Ok, so my food:
- Jello
- Ice cream
- Hope nothing but since I'm sick I'm sure my mom will put pressure me towards a soup. Hope not. but my cal intake for the day wouldn't be more than 800....they say that's O.K right? but boy....Skinnovember better get ready!

P.s : I so found one phobia I relate to, besides spiders and dark and bugs and practically everything...

Skinnovember

Care more about my appearance: the way I dress, write, talk, my nails, perfume and all those girly stuff. November will be a month in which I will be free. I will go to the gym, care about my looks, care about my friends and don’t care much about school because almost all my subjects are passed so it’s time to focus in our emotions. I will go out more and care about people and stuff, like go to the park to play with the cats and generally go out more. I’ll take care of my skin because 3 blocks away they sell a coconut soap I’ve been dying to try on my skin! I hope that by these measurements I’ll be happier. Let’s sum it up.

These are my worries and the crossed out words are the ones I’ve already taken care of.

1.      School

2.      Being skinny

3.      Gym

4.      Nails

5.      Friends

6.      Emotions

7.      Wandering

8.      Love

9.      Tenderness

10.  Pleasing people

Well it’s October 2, 2011 and I have a long way to go! I’m traveling in a week for 2 weeks, then coming back home for one week and going on a long weekend to a near beach then so October will be so short to me to focus on this stuff. That’s why I decided to start on November since I’m not traveling anywhere the whole month and December is already Christmas and then is when summer begins where I live so pretty much I’ve got only one useful month on 2011. The year was so freaking short!! Oh well…let’s get going! I'll work more on my hair too, so love her's!

A September thought I just found...

Special K....It is about having a bowl of it for breakfast and a bowl of it for dinner. Bin your lunch at school and your total cal intake would be 100 + 140 (plus skimmed milk) = 240, very low number, yay! You see I’ve been like trashing my lunch at school every day but I get really hungry home so when someone pressures me I easily eat and then I binge awfully. So I thought what would happen if they saw me eat, but they wouldn’t know how little I’m actually eating. It’s brilliant this diet. It goes along perfectly with my needs because 140 calories in breakfast then bin lunch, then get home and 100 calories at dinner…one step closer to perfection!! This is my method to bin lunch. I get to school very early in the morning so I look for an empty toilet and there I do the trick because I pour everything into a plastic bag. No one notices because the doors are shut and people are talking. And no one sees me walking around with my lunchbox to the toilet because they are too sleepy so they don’t realize. Then I have 3 minutes between classes so I wait for proper timing and put the bag with food in my pocket and go bin it. No one notices. It’s perfect. I’ve been doing it for a while, it’s magical. The only thing that isn’t magical is my nanny asking what am I gonna eat at night, that sucks because I give in and binge but when she knows I’m on a diet she’ll respect me because she knows I’m eating. Brilliant. God I can’t stop thinking right now. First about a device that came home earlier and I’ll try it later (it’s for your hands not to sweat and that would basically change my life as I know it). Then, my mom’s b-day is on Sunday so I’ve got to figure out what to get her and I know we’ll go out somewhere nice to eat…Damn. I’ll try not to think about it right now. Third is the pressure school puts on my shoulders but I’ll try to overcome stress by focusing on my new skinny strategy and my new shampoo for growing hair (it smells so nice I forget about math classes!). Finally, EATING. Everything about it disturbs me. But I’ll try not to sweat it because I’ve finally got a north and on Monday I’ll start my diet and no one will stop me. Its Friday so there’s still 3 more days of pigness to go. Oh Ana help me. Well…that’s about it, my day, my life, my dreams, my worries. I’ll promise I’ll be better tomorrow after the huge binging of today. Everything will look better in the morning and I’ve got a diet, a special K diet, to rely on. I so want to be magical, just as magical as those eyes!

Another oath of mine....

No one loves me properly. And it’s not that I complain, just that, I mean, maybe for once it would be nice to experience real love. Maybe it’s not buyable. I’ll make a list of people who should love me and next how those people currently “do”. Okay.

Mom – she only wants to make me eat. And she doesn’t even eat for herself, god. Then she like goes crying and is turned into the victim and everyone buys it. Shit. She doesn’t eat, didn’t go to college and has married twice and has had a divorce once but is too immature to separate from my dad even when he already got a fucking girlfriend. She never helps me, isn’t there when I need her, and couldn’t care less about my insecurities. Clearly doesn’t love me the right way, or at all.

Dad – let’s start by saying he only sees me whenever he wants to, stands me up almost every time, and he doesn’t listen a shit when we talk. He’s quite selfish. Or he just doesn’t care enough.

Brother – he tells me to trust him but then he betrays my confidence because in our fights he yells everything I told him to “open up”. He’s an asshole and a manipulative twat.

Friends – They only like me when I’m in a great mood, They betray me when I’m in need and backstab when I trust them the most. It’s obvious not the best friend everyone wants.

Aunt – only cares for me what needed to accomplish being a “normal” aunt.

Dad’s girlfriend’s children – They are backstabbing bitches who don’t even know me and are already trying to change me. Not good.

Nanny – she just smiles at me whenever she wants to and never admits she’s wrong, not the type of person I need right now to raise my self esteem.

I guess that’s it. No one cares so I skipped studying for my test tomorrow and did this. I’ve never been irresponsible before. It will be so much fun when I get used to it. No more pressure from anyone. I could live with that. Sure. And because no one cares I won’t do anything. 0 stress. Nice philosophy. I guess I’ll stick to it.

 Angie is my non-real-people thinspiration (people I don't know in person) Love her sickness :)

Just Cass

my favourite ones! isnt she just lovely? she keeps me thisnpired :)

Following some tips...

The first tip said "write down everything you eat". Since I'm hopeless and I'll go on a trip in 5 days in which I'll eat like a pig because is with my family and believe me, our lastname is known for out eating capacity. So they'll make me eat. Damn. To try to avoid or distract the guilt I decided to try out some of the tips I took from this website I told you about. Here I go with my day menu and I'll keep posting my meals every day so that I follow this tip and begin walking slowly towards perfection. God I hope it works because I'm planning of going on an extreme diet the week I return from U.S.A because the week after that we're having a family trip to the BEACH with my dad's girlfriend and her family, and her son is THE most popular guy in school, and I'm a cow. And then after that weekend of horror it will be November, one month until summer in my country so I'm freaked out. I've decided november will be a purifying month to get ready to go to the beach and meet my super cute neighbor that is JAW-DROPPING hot. I even thought of a name for november, I came up with SKINNOVEMBER...not that clever haha but it works for inspiration. I'm so avoiding writing down what I've eaten...Anyway I thought you should know my plans. Here I go: until now I've had
- 3 chocolate chip cookies
- Bowl of cereal with skimmed milk
- 2 toasts with philly cream cheese
- I'll have: pasta dinner with my dad. (he already made a reservation at this super expensive restaurant and he is really worried about me. since Skinnovember is coming I decided to make him happy and accept his invitation. I love him so much. Sometimes I think he cares more than my mom. God I won't eat when she tells me, just when he does. He really cares. )
I'll keep posting my food diary tomorrow, hope it works so I reduce my meals and don't write that much. Sincerely, Hopeless.

 AAh Doutzen Kroes, isn't her air just magical?

Some tips...

I'm really scared because I've been eating since Monday like a lot, and today is Wednesday and I'm seeing my dad to go out and have dinner, he already made a reservation so this night will be the first of many in which I eat a proper meal rather than just 100 cal cereal or 4 2 inch round toasts with light goat cheese. I'm disgusted more than scared so I decided some stuff. First, that these days to come (until Sunday because I'll go on a trip on Monday) will be dieting days. Second, I decided to surf the net. I found some tips I wouldn't have followed at first but I'm hopeless right now so here it goes. I'll post a few.
- Create an online cal diary so people will be disgusted at what you eat and you'll reduce it.
- Take dieting, headaches and antiacid pills so you'll hide effects.
- Follow a daily cal intake plan and make sure it's different ammounts each day.
- Weigh yourself daily.
- Use Splenda.
- Eat soup (not following that, I prefer cereal = 300 less calories, personal tip)
- Distribute your meals (better 100 cals 5 times a day than 500 in a meal)
- Drink 2 lt. of water daily.
- Get a good night of sleep
- Eat slow and chew everything a lot...also eat on a smaller plate.
- Chew ice for binge eating cravings and chewing gum too.

 I'm soo in love with K. Cobain, He's soo cute! It's my celeb crush while other girls are all over JB I've got KC just for me <3